COUGAR ON THE PROWL
What is love? What creates love? Simply put, its brain chemistry. A chemical called Oxytocin produces that loving feeling. To me love is a business. I’m a cougar. The cougar is a concealment and ambush hunter. A good cougar stalks their prey and then circles in for the kill. Okay ladies, kill is a metaphor. For us lazy hunters, the ambush method of hunting uses less energy and has a greater chance of success.
The best place for hunting our prey is senior centers and retirement communities. Yes, you heard me right. Senior centers. The men are old, hearing impaired and can’t run very fast. C’mon, even I can out run them while they’re dragging along their oxygen tanks. I know. I know. Cougar’s prey is supposed to be young bucks. Too much work, girls. Old geezers are much easier to handle.
Men are horny. Old men are even hornier. Suck it up ladies and ignore the yellowing, mottled skin, scrawny bodies and talon like toenails. We cougars are not faint of heart. No, we are hunters. Hear us roar. So just trowel on the makeup. Old, remember? Can’t see very well? A good underwire bra combined with a sexy low cut blouse and Bada-bing, bada-boom, your prey is hooked. You reel him in and net yourself a trip to Hawaii or an Alaskan cruise. And for God’s sake, don’t forget the Viagra and ear plugs. Yes, ladies, I said ear plugs. That Darth Vader like wheezing does tend to get on your nerves.
Another great location for hunting is pool side at the community centers. First you look for the gentleman with the dead critter perched on his head. That hair piece shows he’s vain and on the prowl. Next you check to see if he’s wearing enough gold chains to sink a battle ship. Remember, gold equals money. Money equals the perfect prey. Okay, sometimes not so perfect. His itty-bitty Speedo leaves nothing to the imagination and exposes his shortcoming to the entire world. But not to worry, a little Viagra will fix that problem. Unfortunately, the little blue pill won’t fix his sagging, wrinkled paunch or the fact that his body hair would rival a gorilla’s. But, downing a couple of Vicodin or a dozen Martinis will solve this problem. Remember, a successful hunter travels the world, first class. A bad hunter gets a quick trip to Vegas and the all-you-can-eat buffet.
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