I think as men and women who crave passion every day we ask ourselves a what if question. What if we had gone out on a date with the football player? What if we hadn’t met that one guy in the coffee shop? What if we had allowed our inner needs to surface and we truly shared something so personal with a lover? Those are daunting questions and some we can’t answer – not easily anyway. I think we all have these kinds of questions buried in the dark areas of our mind. For many of us we simply fantasize at night, longing for more. The lucky few actually venture forward, doing everything possible to taste and have the life we hunger for.
I write erotic romance of course which means I explore hungers and desires, some personal and some simply because I’m a storyteller. I love trying to give my readers a fantasy and a moment of heated passion they think they’re missing in their real lives. In doing that of course I’ve discovered parts of me and my needs. I think that’s one reason I started exploring the D/s lifestyle. I have come to realize I’m a submissive. Don’t shy away. I’m not certain what I’m going to do with the concept at all. What I did realize in reading many BDSM stories including D/s – and they are very different – is that the majority of people think of the lifestyle as simply sex. D/s is passionate but not just about sex. So I started thinking about how I would have to approach a change, my desire, and trying to find a man I could trust enough to go down the very long journey.
I had already written several poems about the lifestyle and I put a few together and started scratching together some notes and this turned into a story. It’s very emotional and one that is personal in many regards. I also have a fabulous co-writer for what has turned into at least a trilogy. Together Benjamin Russell and I are going to bring you both the Dom and the sub’s POV – very emotional and extremely passionate. Here’s just a taste of the first one.
ON BECOMING HIS
Jezebel Waters, Jessie to her friends, had everything in her life that she could ever want. From a successful career as a top-level executive, a hefty salary and fabulous friends, she had the world in the palm of her hand – except for the right man in her life. In the back of her mind she knew she was missing something and the realization was almost terrifying. She craved being under the command of a powerful Dom, but how the hell could she admit to anyone what she considered her kinky needs?
Resigned to living a very vanilla life, she entered into several relationships and every one of them failed miserably. Jessie gave up on love – until she met Luke Brennan. From his gorgeous chocolate-laced skin to his quiet yet powerful demeanor, Jessie was hooked on learning more. Growing close, when he admitted his own needs, she knew she’d found everything she’d been searching for her entire life. While Luke wanted nothing more than to own her, he was hesitant to enter into the agreement until she completely understood the life she would lead as a collared woman.
While she was more than eager to learn, she remained terrified of the girl inside and of her dark hungers. Join Jessie on an emotional journey as she delves deep into her psyche, not only beginning to understand her willingness to become Luke’s in every way, but also to comprehend exactly what the new beginning would entail -- trust and control. Through poems and prose, this story is just the beginning for both…
Friday morning dawned stormy and somehow the ugly clouds did little to dampen her mood. Sighing, Jessie was already on her second cup of coffee and knew the last thing she needed was more caffeine. She hadn’t slept well at all from excitement surging through her. Thank God she’d taken a few days off of work to be by herself, to adjust to what might…no was going to happen. Groaning, she bit her lower lip and shook her head over and over again as she tried to rationalize every thought, every dream, every conversation she’d had with Luke over the last weeks and months. Long nights they’d talked on the phone or shared a bottle of wine and intellectual and very frank conversations. The sharing had been the best part, the learning and the growing together as a couple. Correction, as a very unconventional couple. Oh well. She loved where they were going and last night’s discussion was par for the course.
Laughing softly, she slid the tip of her finger back and forth across her mouth remembering their very heated conversation late into the night. Swallowing hard, she eased her hand into the bodice of her dress, flicking her finger back and forth across her nipple. Then she remembered what he’d told her about self pleasuring – not unless she asked permission. Shivering, Jessie pulled her hand out and sat staring at her fingers. “Whew.” There was no doubt he’d tested her with little things to understand her level of commitment. So far she’d passed them, or at least she thought. He was at times a tough task master but very fair and more than loving. He was also a romantic at heart and wanted her to want him. They would no doubt bring a third into their bed at some point, given what they both enjoyed, but he was to be her man period. Luke was more than man enough. Somehow Jessie knew the ugly incident the night in the club was still between them, as if he hadn’t quite forgiven her. How could he? She couldn’t forgive herself.
Just thinking about him coming over the next night was enough to make her head spin. There was so much to do from getting the house ready to figuring out what she was going to make for dinner. Not that food was going to matter, at least to her. Eyeing the journal, she sighed as she reread the last few entries. One in particular caught her eye and seemed particularly telling.
I’ve never met a man who reminded me in such simple ways what kind of a woman I am and in truth what kind of a woman I could be. He has no need for harsh words or false truths. I find myself needing to learn more, wanting more and yet he continues to tell me I’m not ready yet, that my journey is only in mid-process. While I understand what he’s saying, I want so much more already.
Every discussion, every desire building in me is something so unexpected and yet I cringe when he sighs in disappointment and shiver when he praises me. When I told him I loved him I was surprised how emotional the moment was. I always told myself I couldn’t love anyone, not completely and without reservation, but I was wrong. I know they’re just words but for some reason they’re very important to both of us. When he said them back to me I was in awe. Isn’t that silly? I don’t know. At my age you’d think I knew better. I like being a little bit girlie around him. I kinda think he likes that too.
There are so many special qualities in him and they show in subtle ways. He reminds me every day to take care or myself, be true to myself and the very basic idea is something I’ve found very difficult to do. I’ve always been the one who took care of everyone and everything, forgetting my own needs, no matter how little or perhaps subtle. As I look back on my life, my loves, I wonder what possessed me or when I lost sight of the woman I know now existed inside even then.
The sequestered woman was always strong but perhaps in a sense too strong? I don’t know all the answers or know everything I need but I do understand what I thought I knew about me existed only in a façade, a side of me I allowed the world to see. Some say I might be hiding now or trying anything simply to avoid my real life, but I know the truth in my heart. This is the woman I always wanted to be.
Her legs trembling, Jessie nodded over and over again as she closed her eyes. The words were so true and so telling. Getting up to re-fill her coffee, a clap of thunder forced her to jump. Why the hell was she so edgy? Of course her rationality told her there were way too many reasons to be able to talk about with anyone, perhaps including Luke. He was kind and patient with her continuous questions, yet she knew what he was requiring of her. She needed to go down this path herself to truly know if this was what she wanted. For as he said, once decided, he hoped she wouldn’t feel the need to go back on her word, on the contract.
Contract. She knew of course what that meant given her status in her profession, but a contract between two people entering into a complete D/s relationship was more than just daunting. This was a lifestyle change and one meant for two consenting adults. The thought gave her a chuckle. They were consenting all right. Hell, the man was a powerhouse in bed. Whew. Giggling like a girl, she grabbed the cream out of the fridge and as she poured a hefty amount into her coffee cup, she couldn’t help but think about his hot body, preferably naked. Whew. Their sex life was… Fabulous. There was no other word. He’d allowed her to open up, be completely uninhibited and she wasn’t initially certain why.
From the way he licked her and filled her pussy to the taking of her anally, every moment had been blissful. Her favorite command to date was simply the first time he’d told her to drop to her knees and suck his cock. There had been no hesitation on her part. She’d knelt in front of him, taken his shaft into her hands and spent a full thirty minutes bringing him to the point of orgasm more than once. Then he’d pushed her down on the bed, lifted her legs over his shoulders and taken her hard in the ass – just the way she loved it. “Sweet Lord.” Jessie had to grip the counter to keep from stumbling. He made her wet every day. The sad truth was she’d never felt so free with a man and there were all the reasons why, including the fact she was like every other woman concerned about her body, but there was more.
At forty-five years old she’d never had an orgasm with a man being inside of her. She’d also never had a man who truly enjoyed what she craved, being taken in the ass. The thought surprised the heck out of her initially given everything she’d read but the truth was right there. After how many men shying away from just about everything kinky, she finally resigned herself to vanilla sex. Boring. Sighing, she had to remind herself being with Luke wasn’t entirely about sex. This was about control and trust and… “Shit.” Her continued questioning seemed like she was trying to convince herself again this was right, but that wasn’t it at all.
As she sat back down at the table, Jessie thought about their heated conversation the night before and couldn’t help but smile and then dropped her head as a series of tremors skated down her back. The last words he’d said were something to the effect of the list of her indiscretions were growing. Lordy, he was intense in his desires, his hungers and there were times she completely forgot he was the one in charge. Swallowing hard, she sighed as she thought about him, about his voice, his mannerisms. Every time they talked he sent tremors coursing through her body. The man just did it for her. Still, the word “willful” eased from his lips over and over again. While she’d never thought of herself in such a way, perhaps he was right.
The second in the wonderful trilogy is called On Becoming His – Lessons Learned and really started out as flash fiction with Benjamin and I – now it’s something else. I truly hope you enjoyed.
WHERE TO STALK ME
On Becoming His Page http://wp.me/P1a53P-Fi
give away - a copy for a comment from a reader who gives me some moment of passion they'd like to try